Holy $hit, I Gained 30 lbs!

I would love to tell you, friends, that I am only writing the introduction to this blog today; that you will read the following story written by an anonymous woman who lives in Norther Canada, sharing the recent woes of a pretty substantial weight gain.  That I have the privilege to be the one she felt comfortable enough sharing this with and that we are here today to tell you this journey is not linear – at least not for some of us.

Well, part of this statement is true. That would be a hell of a lot easier than what I’m about to write.

This is completely autobiographical.

{I need to put in a tiny disclaimer here:  First, use profanity in this and some of the links I share do as well.  So, if this is something you would rather not read, then please, do not.  I am not here to offend any of the Tips of the Scale community and most will say I could have easily made my points below without it.  But, it’s who I am and I can’t and won’t change.  Second, the resources and links/personalities shared are done so as a direct link to me and my own experiences.  They may not necessarily be the opinion/endorsement of TipsOfTheScale.com LLP.}

Today’s entry is one that I have struggled to share out of fear.  That’s it.  Fear of embarrassment; let down; loss of clients; credibility; honour – you pick.  But, as we all know, diving into fear is the best way to get out of it.

I was just at 200 lbs the last time I weighed myself and a dinner out in a pair of pants that literally had me gasping for breath moved me to step on the scale the next morning.  So, just over four weeks ago, this is what was staring me in the face (as I tried to see the numbers passed my swelling belly):

You can do the math.

My decision to share this has been fueled by a number of encounters over the last four weeks so I thought I would lay them out here, in particular order.

A.  This picture.  Man.

It was taken at my kid’s birthday dinner.  While happy and enjoying the night, a reflection on what my lack of focus and carefree eating style had done to my body.  I still can’t believe this is me (and since I’m being honest – I sucked up a couple of Coronas and four fajitas after this moment was captured in time! )

B.  This article (and I believe after several people in the industry shared it, received so much traffic, it is temporarily down.)  It is entitled “You’re Fat; Why are you a Personal Trainer?”  The long and short of it is in the title!  The writer’s words were very truthful, from his perspective, hurtful and, in true-Adina form, motivated me enough to continue doing what I’m doing.  I am sorry he never replied to my comment on Facebook; pity really.

I was on the fence to go back to work full time – to the hustle and bustle of early mornings, daycare drop offs, planning every second of the week.  Going back to a big fat pay cheque, health insurance, commute and sitting for eight hours a day – I was almost there.  Then, this article reminded me why I decided to start training wome in the first place.  It reminded me that there will always be assholes in the world that are there to beat you down and that I am not about to fall victim to that again.  I like what I do.  It’s taken me a lot to build my business and it will be a daily battle; but when I train that woman who cannot do a single modified push up or get down and up from the ground, I put my heart in it and know, 100%, what it’s like to be in her cross trainers.  Thank you Adam for telling the world why plus-sized trainers need to exist; to debunk traditional thinking and to continue to do good in the world!

C.  My gig with Tips of the Scale has put me in contact with a slew of amazing people – some starting their journey; others close to their goals; some industry experts that are truly inspirational and my life continues to become richer and fuller because of them.  This brings me to a mid-day conversation a couple of Sundays back over the phone with this amazing plus-sized fitness motivator, Coach Tulin.  Before we got to ‘business’, we chatted.  As I am never one to hold back on sharing my feelings, for the first time in my life was ready to say the words out loud “I am a plus-size personal trainer”  (even though I don’t shop plus size any longer, traditional definition puts me in that category; and I’m okay with it!).

She cheered.  I smiled.

Thank you Tulin.  That brief conversation with you made me realize I am exactly where I need to be.  Both of us coming off of a 30+ lb gain was ironic enough, but seeing how she has pulled her shit together, making amazing strides through her own journey, and breaking down the barriers in a very narrow-minded industry is beyond awesome.  You are an inspiration – thank you for showing me you don’t need to be a size 4 to inspire healthy changes in women.  That it is possible to share with the world your current challenges and victories, knowing the path itself is a great one; the end result is not.  <3

D.  A conversation with a friend who said, “Maybe you can write a blog about me”.

It was a funeral that brought us face to face after not seeing each other for over a year.  I was so taken aback by how good he looked, I couldn’t contain either my cheerfulness or the raised level in voice – while the environment was somber and sad, seeing him was overwhelming! Our last encounter had us sucking back coffees and cigarettes on my front porch, but taking the 20 minutes to chat brought us to this:  He quit smoking after 20 years – that’s 2/3 of his life!; he had laid off the scotch and decided to quit drinking too.  And then?  With the impending possibility of weight gain due to leaving these vices behind, quit sugar, and is sticking to healthy eating and just living life in a good place.  I was open and honest with him – “Your energy has completely changed.”  Just inspiring.  And not complicated.

Why did this story impact me?  Well, it’s simple.  He didn’t lose 100 lbs.  He didn’t have a near-death experience.  He didn’t rewrite the rules of psychology of change.  He made a choice and he stuck with it.  Period.  He knew change was needed and did it.  I’m sure no fancy app or electronic device was used; I’m certain no contract with a gym was signed; I am positive no 12-week program was publicly declared!  Just Matt.  And the self-discipline and regulation he needed to make these new habits into his life.  He said, “It has made me feel good and that’s it!”.

Congrats, man.  If you have inspired one person, it has been me.  Thanks – and you have made it in my blog!

E.  And then, just last week, this article.  Don’t read if you hate the raw honest truth of why you aren’t losing weight.  Really.  Just don’t.  This article was clearly written from experience, and sometimes you just need to hear it as it is.

In the words of Sam himself, “tough [message] for people who aren’t ready to take responsibility”.  Coach Taylor has done an amazing job and sharing the truths about what’s been holding me back!  What it all comes down to is ME.

While I have publicy declared “this is all me and I’m the one who needs to fight the battle…”, secretly, I have been blaming and waiting and hoping and trusting.  All this instead of doing, and acting, and sweating, and crying and putting in the work.  Thanks for this, Coach Taylor.  I will be the first to admit to it; this article made me bawl.  Well played, Sir.  Well, played.

I suck.

Honestly.  I do.

I would like to apologize for inspiring you to make the amazing changes you have because deep down I have been a wee bit of a fake.  Yes, I have made huge changes in my life, and yes, I lost 80 lbs with hard work.  But, I am living proof unless you CHANGE, unless you stop saying yes to the Doritos, and the constant treats, and giving in to being tired and ‘it will happen tomorrow’, you’re going to end up right back to where you were.

As Rose from Titanic said, “I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared… or even noticed.”  Well, sweetie.  Here’s the reality check – it’s no one’s job to care.  It’s no one’s job to save you.  It’s no one’s job to pull you back.  It’s just you.

Now what?

First of all, I want to thank all those who have shown up in my life just when I needed you.  The assholes and the saints.  You have reminded me who I don’t want to be while at the same time forcefully nudging me to move in the direction of my fears.

I want to help others.  Full Stop.  That’s all I have every wanted to do in life.  Thirteen years in corporate HR brought me to live out part of that – employee relations, training, mentoring a team, change management, policy development – I believed all this was for the betterment of my client group and my team.

Now, with my corporate chapter closed, I want to inspire change in women’s lives through my own story and journey.  That’s my end goal.  Not a number.  Not a monkey bar pull up. Not even counter sex.  Helping others see their potential.

What has changed?  I am eating well.  Moving daily.  Meditating each night before I fall asleep.  I am making good choices, loving those around me and giving wholeheartedly to the women I am blessed to work with.  And, one of the biggest steps is embracing and accepting that I am right where I need to be.  Sounds like bullshit, but I was having a daily struggle with my role in the family, my lack of great financial contribution and the constant “what am I doing with my life”.  The reality is, I am here and that’s okay.

I have no secret on nutrition.  No new and quick fix exercise regime.  No magic bracelet to tell me the biochemistry of my body.  Just me and hard work.

I hope to write a follow up in the next few months, but until then, you will see me around.  Continuing to believe in you and certainly, continuing to believe in me.

In good health and love,

~A