I love to read… I always have. I took a sabbatical from reading for about 10 years after University as I was read-out. Is that a term? I am an Honours English Major, which meant, at minimum, taking six English classes a year, for four years straight. Of each of those classes, I read any where from eight to 12 books. I’m no mathematician, but that’s a lot of reading. I was even in the book industry for 10 years during high school, University and College. I didn’t read for a long time, but now I read and I love it.
Someone I trust and respect (a lot) suggested a title to me a while ago. One thing you need to know about me is that I trust… fast. So in his recommendation, I was instantly swayed to purchase this book. I started almost moments after he typed the title through text and I knew I was in for a real literary and life-changing treat.
(explicit content ahead)
This book has many incredible quotes (which I thrive on by the way). But it wasn’t until my Kindle read 99% complete that I found the paragraph that made me cry harder than the entry about the dying mother, the alcoholic, the bizarre love triangle or the countless people in this book that suffered greatly throughout their lives. It was this quote that captured me:
You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship . That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart…………
Strayed, Cheryl (2012-07-10). Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar (pp. 350-351).
What I love about such writing is that, while the reader knows the context of Sugar’s statement, it transcends any literal connotation and can easily be applied to you, me, your best friend, the guy selling you a train ticket this morning; truly, anyone. Change a few of the ‘literal’ meanings (specifically “someone” and maybe I would remove “nymphomaniac”) and you have a statement that lifts any guilt from breaking free of any type of ‘heavy’ relationship (pardon the intentional pun).
It has taken me a very long time to realize most of us have a very unrealistic and unhealthy relationship to the scale; me included. At the beginning of my ‘weight’ loss journey, I was fixated on a number on the scale. I wanted to see 145, a number I hadn’t seen since 8th grade. 145. One forty five. CXLV. That is all I wanted. And jean shorts. And a cut off white tank.
I was unaware of all the other more important results that would come with eating better, moving my body and working on my emotional ‘stuff’ that was so required. And I really haven’t been more self-aware of this issue than now. Working with other women as they move their bodies to a better them has helped me realize this. I have been working with one client for just over three weeks. She was perfectly honest with me when I was hired – she wanted to see a certain number on the scale. She had taken herself so far and she needed the help to get her to her next ‘decade’ of weight loss. I worked her hard. She sweat and never said, “I can’t”. She stepped on the scale after three weeks and the scale went up… one pound. My heart sank as I knew how much she was working and all I wanted for her was success. I quickly told her, “Hang tight. Don’t get caught up on the number. Let’s move through your measurements and caliper test and see what’s what”.
Up one pound. Down 7.5 inches. Down 5 lbs. fat mass and up 5 lbs. lean muscle. Fat percentage down over 2%. I mean, c’mon!
As a chronic yo-yo dieter, I know how much that scale can have a hold on us. It’s there in the morning, staring at us with it’s blank face, egging us on. It’s there at work, at the doctor’s office, at our friend’s apartment and maybe even at the vet’s (we’ve all done it). I have reflected on how this small square box has had such a hold on me, how the number on it has defined who I am for almost 30 years of my life. Do you know how it gained such strength…?
I allowed it.
Like any unhealthy relationship in our lives, it’s us who allow them to continue. We give those relationships, those things, those people the control. It’s the husband who has control because he make the money. It’s the fiancee who has the control because she makes you feel responsible. It’s the employer who has control because they would be lost without you. It’s the friend, the mother, the booze, the drugs, the food… you get it. The Scale was/is my unhealthy relationship. And while I have zero experience breaking up with a real human, I can tell you, this was the hardest break up ever, on both a physical and emotional scale.
Seeing the number go up on the scale was demotivating. Seeing the number go down was cause for self-sabotage. And while I do need to track my weight (as it’s traditionally known), I only now use this as one of the many markers in tracking my lean muscle vs. fat mass on my ever-changing body. It’s not weight I want to lose – it’s fat. It’s lean, lovely muscles I want to gain – not anxiety over the number. My outlook has changed on what the little box can and can no longer do to me.
I know it’s hard. I know far too often in our lives we are defined by that number (quick – how much did you weigh when you graduated high school? Got married? Had your first baby? See… we shouldn’t even really know this stuff.)
Like Sugar says, wanting to leave is enough. I. Love. This. It was enough for me. And as she says, wanting this “means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship”. It can be enough for you. It has been a horrible, ugly ‘stuck’ for me and for many around me. Leave the number behind. Yes, of course, it will eventually move to where you wish it to be, but only if you are committed to the following:
1. Consistent in your efforts
2. Honest in your efforts
3. Doing it for you and you alone
4. Know you are more than that fucking number on that little box in your lavatory.
I challenge you to give your scale away, right now. It’s a big deal, but once you let go of that control, you can finally start focussing on what matters most – you. And not a number.
~A
Adina is an ex-corporate HR Manager with a new-found interest in helping other women move their bodies, create a healthy relationship with food and discover the amazing power of their minds to change their lives. As a certified personal training specialist, she continues to learn and educate in the field of physical fitness. She regularly blogs at 
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