Sometimes Those Around Us Are The Heaviest

We have explored many topics in the short time we have been offering our blog to you; lifting, obstacles, success, grocery shopping, philosophical points of view – more than not, focussing on the mental work that is so much apart of this journey as eating “X’ and moving “Y”.

Through my reading, research and listening to those around me, I am hearing a common topic come up from those who are on their own weight loss path. The general consensus is that through our own transformation, a possible realization occurs; we are holding on to people in our lives that are, in reality, heavier than the weight we are trying to lose.

I never really heard the term ‘toxic’ until the last few years in my HR career. When Violence in the Workplace and its associated laws came into effect here in Canada, the term was used frequently and the definition was described often in training sessions with top executives and management. In its simplest form (and not to diminish it in actuality) it is when one person has some form of power over the other – whether physical, psychological or both, and this results in anxiety, stress or other negative feelings on the other party.

Sometimes the very core of a toxic relationship is not knowing. I know, sounds impossible, but it’s true. This may be because our relationships are all we know. It may not be until we go through a breakthrough, transformation, or other life-changing event that we are present in ourselves and aware of where we are in life.

Now, I’m not suggesting that because you have, or are, losing weight that you will come out in the end a completely changed person or that your circle of friends, your family dynamics or your status at work will be altered for life… but maybe I am!

Let me elaborate.

What happens when you buy a new car? Doesn’t it seem like every other car you see on the highway or in the school parking lot is your exact make and model? Why do you think this happens? It’s not because all of a sudden everyone owns a vintage Gremlin. It’s because your perception has changed. You are now aware that the Gremlin exists. Life may seem to be bursting at the seams with Gremlins every where you look, but in reality it is because your own life has been imprinted by the Gremlin and because of this, your life has been altered.

Sound familiar?

When the good starts creeping into your life because of conscious choice, you become aware – there is no way around this. You may not be there yet, but you will. For me, it was the realization that my career was no longer fulfilling. Because I was awakening in me purpose to live, drive to do more, and finally being connected with my mind and soul, I knew what I did for 50 hours a week no longer served me. My relationship with what I did every day became heavy on my shoulders. I needed to let go.

What about those around us? A toxic relationship, like my career, may have one (or some/all) of the following:

you may feel drained because of it
your self worth plummets (maybe not all at once but in stages)
the other person/thing is so negative it is difficult to distance yourself
feelings of jelousy comes into play
you feel the need to justify every thing you do
you have that feeling in your gut that something just isn’t right

Now, I’m not suggesting that because any one of these things are present you should pack your bags and bail. Like any smart and responsible adult, talking about issues first is necessary and making every attempt to work things out are paramount. But as we move through our weight loss, dynamics may change. Friends may start saying things that surprise you, or family members may try to sabotage you in ways you find insulting. Being aware that this may be happening is a good first step.

I remember going to a family gathering and the only option was pasta, bread and cake. I mean, had the hostess not HEARD anything I was saying? Or was it her responsibility to worry about my nutritional plan? Have you had that family member who pushes the dessert on you, trying to convince you that one piece of chocolate cake wont kill your diet completely? Again – being aware that this is happening so we can alter our own reactions.

Yesterday, Tim explored the importance of recognizing we only have control over the internals in our world. I couldn’t agree more with this. However, while I know I don’t have control over the behaviour of someone else (who may be part of a toxic relationship equation), I do recognize I have a choice if they are in my life. My control lies in what I do and my action includes choosing who is with me – part time, full time, whatever.

I have no interest (or right for that matter) to try to change people. I learned this a very long time ago. Recently, however, I have learned that I can choose who I love, who I like, who I want in my business relationships, who I want in my close circle of friends. While I can’t choose who family is, I can certainly determine boundaries, expectations and therefore minimize any stress or negative feelings I may have because of them.

What’s the point in all this? Choose your army. Heavy relationships are exhausting. I held one for almost two years, and it wasn’t until I started experiencing some of the bullet points above that I realized I wasn’t me any more. It was the toughest, yet most liberating thing I have done to date.

This journey is amazing and I hope you find the passion and self-awareness I have. And know you have the absolute right to cut ties with those who are weighing you down.

But just be kind. Know that we are all battling our own wars and in my experience, being kind with opportunity to communicate is most important. I have lost a number of people in my life because I chose to start to put me first. I have mourned these losses but I am a stronger and better person for everyone who has crossed my path. I have never been insulting, bitter or angry because of these. It has been part of my own growth.

Are you ready to let go of those around you who may be holding the weight? Hell, you may find out that the first person you let go of is the old version of you…